War Is Hell

I guess I started the battle, but it has seriously gotten out of control.

Remember back to 2003. A time when inflatable outdoor decorations were just hitting the market. Most were small (4 feet or under) and still relatively expensive ($60 and up). It was the day before Christmas and I was cruising for last minute stocking stuffers at the drug store (WHAT? where do YOU shop for stocking stuffers???????).

I spied an inflatable Santa Claus for half price. Just the night before we’d had dinner with my in-laws and were bemoaning those silly things. With a gleam in my eye, I called my husband. Should I? It’s half price! The deed was done and I headed home with my inflatable friend. While my in-laws were out, he set it up in their front yard in all of its breezy glory. My mother-in-law was horrified. “Did you put that tacky thing in my yard?”

“Who us?” we smiled innocently. She promised revenge, but actions speak louder than words. The next year, my husband got to the Christmas decorations first and constructed a perch for dear old St. Nick so he could tower over all comers from the second floor window of her barn. Tee hee, gotcha!

Except a few weeks later, as I rounded the bend in the driveway, there stood a 9 foot inflatable Snowman. My kids were barely taller than Frosty’s boots for Pete’s sake!! We fired back with an 8 foot candy cane arch with “twinkling lights” that would chase each other. Now that my friends is T A C K Y tacky!

There have been other volleys in the war of décor, such as the lighted wire frame bear that Home Depot called “Yard Art”, but sadly not all of our soldiers returned from battle. The arch was so well made, it lasted about 2 seasons, before finally meeting its maker after a wind storm. There were the 1970’s era plastic angels handed down to a friend who volunteered them for our cause. The original owners (her parents) requested they be returned for a mission in, well, I can’t disclose their exact location as they are undercover somewhere in the mid-Atlantic region. There was also the lighted reindeer who’s heads turned, back and forth. They met a grisly end at the paws and teeth of the collie, he claims he cracked under the constant surveillance. It is the majority of the “fluffies” who have had the staying power. There was one new recruit who didn’t last even a day, but alas, that is a tale for another time.

It was only this year, that the original Santa Claus was deemed unfit for battle. As my husband and I were plotting our next offensive, grousing about our inability to locate TRULY tacky Christmas decorations, it dawned on us, we have become desensitized. We have become THAT yard. The one that has been so taken over by Christmas decorations you can barely tell there is a house.

How did this happen? Isn’t this some kind of syndrome? The one where you find yourself surrounded by your enemy and find that maybe, it isn’t quite so bad?

Don’t get me wrong, I appreciate, a New England Colonial home with a spotlight in the yard, white candles in the windows and a wreath on the door, but the kids love the fluffies and every time I walk by one of the front windows, I chuckle. *sigh*

From where I sit, there is only one thing to do. It is time to redouble our efforts and dear readers, I need your help. If you spy truly tacky outdoor Christmas decorations (especially at bargain prices) PLEASE, PLEASE tell me. At this point I think we’ve exploited the brigade of fluffies as much as we can. We need something shiny and spinny and with lights that twinkle and chase each other. If you spy something that you think meets my criteria please email me at imreesie (at) g mail (dot) com. WE NEED YOU!


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