Category: Family

And Then You Were Six

June 2, 2010 · 6 Comments ·

Mim at Six — Image Credit Target Portrait Studios

It’s here! It’s finally here! Mim, you are six. You have waited with baited breath for this day since your sister’s birthday in April. Your day is finally here. I’m pretty sure that everyone in our town and at least half the people in the surrounding towns know that today, you turn six. It is the only thing you have talked about for weeks.

If I could bottle your energy and sell it, I’d fulfill the world’s energy needs with enough leftover to fuel extended space exploration. From the moment you wake up, you are happy and in motion. Some part of you is always moving. Even if you body is still, your mouth is moving. There are so many questions to be asked, so many stories to tell. So much information to share.

Just yesterday, you told the woman drawing my blood at the blood drive all about your birthday, our summer travel plans and that your friend E is going to a wedding at the end of June. Your nickname of The Mayor is well earned. You know everyone, and if you don’t, you introduce yourself to them. Shy, you are not.

You are almost finished Kindergarten and as expected, you’ve done well academically. Ms. J. was a perfect teacher for you. She challenged you academically and helped you grow socially.

You have learned to read and this new skill thrills you to no end. This year, you took swim lessons at the Y and you gained a world of confidence in the water. You have a huge heart and a very distinct sense of how things should be. It was challenging for you at first to acclimate yourself to a new group of peers, but you rose to the occasion and although you sometimes still need the a small reminder, you have endeared yourself to your peers.

Lightening McQueen rules your world. Your favorite TV show is Fetch with Ruff Ruffman. You have an active imagination and if your sister isn’t available, you and your “friend” Jason often re-enact Fetch episodes. Sometimes Jason says and does things you know are wrong, and you go to great lengths to educate him to the whys and how of the world.

You love you Daddy, and make a point of indentifying yourself with him whenever you can (Dad and I will fix the driveway while the girls go to the Girl Scout meeting). This sometimes annoys your sister to no end, but she learning not to take it personally. You think your sister is pretty cool and together, you go on many adventures as rock stars or life guards, wizards or scientists.

Your inability to focus on a particular task for an extended period of time can stand on my last nerve, and bust me out laughing all inside of 30 seconds. SQUIRREL! But, you exuberance for life and boundless curiosity make me want to be a more patient person and a better parent.

Happy sixth birthday Mim. I can’t wait to see where the next year takes you.

Let Kids be Kids

May 18, 2010 · 1 Comment ·

When I was a kid, I was very active. There was Girl Scouts and I played softball for a while then soccer. When I moved on to middle school, I tried intramural gymnastics and synchronized swimming, chrous, band and drama. In high school I was in marching band, the stage crew and I had a part time job. Life was busy that’s for sure.

Today the atmosphere of kids activities feels different. There is a pressure that in my opinion makes both kids and parents crazy. Today, it feels as though kids are being forced to pick a focus at a younger and younger age. The intramural programs where the intent is to offer exposure and build skills is targeted at the four to six year old set. Today competitive programs that are aimed to prepare kids for long term success start at about seven or eight depending on the activity.

Until recently, Fish was taking a recreational gymnastics class. Once she decided that gymnastics was no longer for her she was on the hunt for a new activity. Fish was born with gills. She loves to swim and loves the water (thus, her nickname). She wanted to look at swim team. The only local program is offered by the YMCA. I asked for the program details while there for Mim’s swimming lessons.

Whoa! I was handed a twenty page packet outlining the responsibilities and requirements. Keep in mind that this program accepts children as young as 6.

Requirements:

Full Y annual membership (in our case$126 based on her age).

Program registration fee $175 for 10 weeks.

Practice three times a week for 1 hour.

Our school day ends half an hour later than the district the Y primarily serves, so to make practice on time, I’d have to pick Fish up at school and rush into town. Not to mention, the need to entertain her brother for the hour and half it would take her to practice and dress (his level of swim class isn’t offered at the same time). We wouldn’t be home until at least 6 pm with homework, dinner, and showers to cram into the next 2 – 3 hours. I hate most mushy food, so crock pot meals are out and A-man doesn’t get home until 6-6:15, most nights, so he wouldn’t be able to get things started.

That’s just during the week, during the spring “off season”. I read ahead to the schedule for the fall and winter when anywhere from one to three weekends are taken up (at least partially) by meets. Meets are all over the region and parents are expected to provide transportation AND onsite support for the meets.

I felt overwhelmed just reading the paperwork. Fish is ten with a wonderful imagination and a need for down time each day. We are family of four. My husband works at a distance and over the next few months will be working on the completion of a big project. That means, an unpredictable schedule and an increased chance of late nights. Thus all the home management falls to me. I’m ok with that, BUT I also recognize that I’m human and I can’t do it all.

I love my daughter, but the truth is I don’t think she’s the next Olympic Gold Medal swimmer and even if she is, that level of competitive success takes dedication her parents don’t possess. Does that make me a bad mother? I don’t think so but still, the thougths nag at me. Mostly along the lines of “everyone else is doing it”. One mom says “Soccer season has started, so weeknights from 2 to 8, I’m either at the field or driving there, yet another family talks about four nights a week of baseball practices and two games on Saturdays.

I listen to these other parents who drive their kids hither and yon and I think “Good for them, but I don’t want that for our family”. As much as I believe in supporting my children’s dreams, I think it is important for them to understand that they are part of a family. They matter, they are important, but the world does not revolve around them. I have a say how my time is spent as well. If I worked full time outside of our home, things would be a whole lot more hectic, but A-man and I have made different choices for ourselves and our family. Our choices may not be yours and I can’t say that they come guilt free because they don’t but they are well thought out and we stand by them.

So, I said no. No to the craziness and yes to a childhood for her and her brother. I know as she ages the commitments will get bigger, and I’ll cross those bridges as we come to them, but this was too much, too soon for her and for our family.

I don’t mean to criticize any one else’s choices and frankly as the kids get older, our choices will likely change. Who knows, maybe I will need to befriend the crock pot. But right now? I just want a little more calm than chaos for my family.

Fish took it well and we are still searching for and enrichment activity that interests her without overtaking all of our lives.

Kids and Funerals

May 3, 2010 · Leave a comment ·

How do you explain death to a child? How do you help them come to understand the diversity of human reactions to death, dying and grief? At ten, Fish is starting to experience death. One of her grandfather’s passed almost two years ago, and this winter, we lost our beloved dog Daisy. Death is natural and it happens to all of us, so I think as a parent, it is part of my job description to teach my kids how to manage death and grief. Still those aren’t easy lessons to teach.

We have an opportunity at hand. A member of my husband’s extended family passed away last week. The wake and funeral are this week and we have decided to take Fish to both events. She knew the woman, but they weren’t close. To my way of thinking this is a good way of introducing her to the rituals and diverse reactions to death in a way where she can be a slightly detached observer rather than an emotionally overwhelmed participant (Dennis used to say funerals are for the living).

Fish is fortunate to be loved and cared for by many people who are a generation a head of me (how’s THAT for diplomatic). Both of my parents are still alive as are Aunts and Uncles to whom we are close. A-Man’s Mom and her husband live right next door. The upside is that Fish has access to lots of love and benefits from their collective wisdom in her life regularly, the downside is she’s got a lot of funerals in her future.

I hope we are doing the right thing by exposing her this early. My thinking and I know this sounds morose, is that in all likelyhood, the next death we encounter will be someone much closer to us. She’s the kind of kid who does better when she knows what to expect. I don’t feel there is anything to be gained from shielding her from death. My hope is to give her the knowledge she needs to be as comfortable as possible. Death is never easy, but I hope by introducing her to the process and expectations now, She will be better prepared when she is truly overwhelmed with grief.

I hope this doesn’t sound at all disrespectful. I need to be clear, that we would be going to the wake and the funeral anyway and that there will be other children (her cousins) there. I also want to say that the deceased was a teacher, so I’m thinking she’d understand 🙂

How were you introduced to death, funerals and grief?

UPDATE: The wake was Tuesday and the funeral was yesterday. Fish was fine. A little bored at times, but she took the experience in stride. As far as funerals go, this wasn’t one of the more emotional ones I’ve been too. There were tears and there was most definitely sadness, but there was also recognition of a life well lived.

I’m glad she went. I think we made the right decision. WHEW!

Siblings

April 22, 2010 · 1 Comment ·

Allow me to set the scene. It is the end of the day. I’ve spent the afternoon at swimming lessons and grocery shopping with Mim and have just picked up Fish from Girl Scouts. She’s giggly with her friend while we walk to the car. As we get in the car, Mim asks Fish if her friend has an younger brother. “No, she has an annoying younger sister like you.” I call foul on that comment. Once we buckle up, she’s moody and stares out the window.

“Ok, what’s up?” I ask at home as we get out of the car. I’ve sent Mim into the house in an effort to grab a minute of one on one time.

“It’s HIM she nods her head towards the house. He’s just so . . . embarrassing! He acts so cool and he’s not! He embarrasses me in front of my friends. I want the old Mim back.”

I’m immediately defensive. “Oh” I say, walking away. “I thought something was really wrong.” Oh yeah, there’s my nomination for the mother of the year award.

I’ve heard this is standard faire between siblings, but I have no personal experience in this area. Here in, lies the rub. I was an only child. I would have liked to have had a sibling but for a variety of reasons, it wasn’t meant to be. When A-man and I talked about having kids, I was clear, that I wanted kids but that I would entertain the idea of not having kids. However, if there was one, there would be two. I didn’t want to raise another only child. It was a bit of a lonely childhood and frankly a royal pain in the a$$ in adulthood. I have PCOS, so we had to work to have one. We tried unsuccessfully for a year an a half to have a second. Ultimately, I resigned myself to raising an only and I moved on with other life plans. Six weeks later, I was pregnant with my Mim (yes, I am one of THOSE annoying fertility stories).

They are four years and two months apart and all in all, they get a long very well. At times the age difference is a challenge, but mostly it works. A-man and I make a conscious effort to have quality time with both kids alone and together. Fish generally is an awesome big sister. She looks out for him and he worships the ground she walks on. I also try to be sure she has alone time with her friends.

After I collected my thoughts, I went to talk to her. I know her brother can be frustrating. That child frequently stomps on my last nerve. I wholeheartedly agree he can be embarrassing. Fortunately, he’s young enough that the expressions and attitudes he regurgitates from his favorite video game (Cars) are still considered cute. He can be loud and bossy and short tempered. But, he’s her brother and he’s not going away.

So, dear readers, what advice do you have for me? I hope that overall, they will continue to get along, but I suspect as we meander through the teen years this is going to be minefield we revisit regularly. To some extent I want to validate her feelings, but lets face it, he’s a little brother. From what I gather, it is his JOB to embarrass her.

Suggestions? Cautionary tales? Anecdotes I can use to illustrate that she’s not alone in this? HELP!!

Photo credit: Target Portrait Studios. FWIW, they do an awesome job!

The First Weekend in April

April 5, 2010 · 1 Comment ·

BUSY! BUSY! BUSY!

Friday was Fish’s tenth birthday. So, there was some of this.

Grammy & Grandpa gave her a “Just Like You” doll from American Girl and we thought she was going to cry.

The arrival of her new doll encouraged her brother to get his doll, named Sonic. (This is an improvement from the doll’s original name, Knuckles. Don’t ask, we don’t know).

Saturday brought gorgeous weather that just begged to be enjoyed, so after we completed a few chores, we headed for the local skate park so Mim could get back on his big bike and Fish could try her new skate board. I tried it too 😦

Sunday of course was Easter and the whole family gathered at Grammy’s house. There were deviled eggs, a ham, an egg hunt, a bunny cake and crack pie (a dessert that will have a blog post unto itself in the near future).

We came home and while the grown ups settled into a food coma, Fish taught herself how to ollie.

10

April 2, 2010 · 3 Comments ·

Today you are 10 years old.

Ten

Diez

A Decade

Double Digits

You are smart, but more importantly you are curious. You want to understand that which is new to you. You aren’t afraid to ask for a definition or an explanation. Explanations, that given the complexities of this world we live in, I am sometimes woefully unprepared to offer. Be patient, I am trying.

You are stretching and growing so fast. Everyday, the little girl facade cracks a little revealing a maturing you. Your thirst for maturity and responsibility grows by the day. Your dad and I struggle to achieve the delicate balance between encouraging your growth and maintaining your safety. Most of the time, it isn’t that you aren’t ready for new responsibilities, it is that we, your parents aren’t ready for you to be ready for those responsibilities. We’ll get there.

I am quick to grouse when the laundry STILL isn’t put away or when I trip making my way across your room. Yet, I don’t tell you often enough how proud I am of you. I assume you know, but I need to remember offer more praise, you deserve it.

You do what your supposed to do when you are supposed to do it so often, I forget to say thank you and good job. I come to expect it and yet I think the level of responsibility you demonstrate is remarkable for your age.

You are a fantasitc big sister. Your brother can drive you nuts, and you require your own time and space, but you look out for him and seek him out to play with him. He thinks you a pretty special too.

I love the way you move back and fourth between your roles as emerging tween and little girl. Never let go of the little girl completely.

I love that everyone who meets you has nothing but great things to say about you. Your teachers say you are a joy to have in class and they wish they could clone you. They are amazed at how you make connections between what you are learning and your own experiences. The neigbhor says you are kind and sweet and so patient when you work as a mother’s helper.

I love that out of the blue, you ask about a friends we haven’t seen in a while and say “we should get together with them soon.”

Your heart is huge and given easily and sometime that means it gets bruised easily too. I cringe on those days and while I want to go bop whomever has hurt your feelings, I hang back and try to help you work it through on your own. Never mistake my lack of action for a lack of caring. I’ve got your back baby!

You have a sense of style and organization that is all your own. Often it puzzles me, but I am enjoying watching it develop. I hope that you will continue to mix and match.

I can see some of both of your dad and I in you and yet there is a third part, that is all you. I am enjoying watching as you take the pieces we’ve given you, mix them with your own expereinces and desires and mold them into a person that is truly you.

Mother daughter relationships are notoriously fraught with challenges. We have ours and will, no dobut, have more, but I want you to know that no matter what, I will always love you and ultimately while I want nothing but the best for you, what matters most to me is that you figure out what makes you truly happy.

Happy 10th Fisharoo!

Blog Post Interrupted

March 31, 2010 · 5 Comments ·

Working from home has its challenges, the biggest of which is endless opportunities to waste time. Yesterday’s to do list included two blog posts, paying some bills, a phone call to my Dad and laundry. Sometimes I am my own worst enemy with regards to being productive, but sometimes, productivity isn’t all it is cracked up to be.

Productivity gurus would say write first. I decided to call my Dad instead. I hadn’t spoken to him for a while and while he has lived out West for more than 30 years, he still runs on East coast time. The best time to reach him is in the early, early morning his time.

Dan and a 2 year old me sitting in a lawn chair on Tempo Road — Dad & I Then

My biological father and I have a complicated history. One that involves divorce, distance, alcoholism, sobriety, perfectionism, stubbornness, and uncertainty. My parents split when I was three and I was very fortunate that Dennis stepped into my life when I was six. Dennis wasn’t my dad, but he was. I wasn’t his daughter, but I was. Dennis always encouraged my relationship with my Dad, and for a variety of reasons, some of them circumstance, some of them my fault, some of them my Dad’s, we’ve never been especially close.

A little more than a decade ago, my world was turned upside down and I realized that what I thought I knew for sure, might not have been true after all. I always thought my perspective on things was independent, but the glasses I’d been wearing were shattered and I realized that perhaps, my opinions had been more heavily influenced than I originally thought. Since then, my Dad and I have stayed more in touch and worked to get to know one another. It is a journey we are taking together and I dare say we are enjoying.

I called yesterday to touch base and we ended up talking for quite a while. I knew some things that were helpful to some issues he was dealing with. We said our goodbyes and I moved on to writing. A while later, he called back. He was looking for something and needed my Internet skills.

The conversation focused on one of his interests, classic films.

While he’s a movie buff, I’ve always been more of a music person. During our conversation I revealed the fact that I’ve never seen Breakfast at Tiffanys. To his way of thinking, this is a huge failure in my cultural education. My college roommate was a film person, and given how many other classic films I have seen, it does seem like a bit of a gaping hole.

My father is a fabulous story teller and in his younger days was active in the New York bar scene. Yesterday, he regaled me with more of his exploits as it related to his movie knowledge. It was really fun to help him find what he was looking for and to learn more about what makes him tick. We said our goodbyes and again I turned back to work.

I turned up the volume on iTunes to find that the current song was Cracklin’ Rosie by Neil Diamond. On the weekends we did spend together, my Dad and I spend countless hours in the car and Neil Diamond was one of our perennial favorites. Cracklin’ Rosie was a song that ALWAYS made me think of him. I had to call him back to share the serendipity with him. We ended up talking for another 20 minutes sharing memories of some of our adventures.

We can’t change history. In one way or another, we’ve both said we’re sorry. There is still distance and uncertainty between us and yet we are actively taking steps to close that gap. There is no destination on this journey. I have no “goals” for my relatiohship with my Dad other than continuing to share stories and make memories.

I never did get the blog post written, but in the words of Brad Paisley, it was Time Well Wasted.

Dad and I June 2009 — Dad and I June, 2009

Photo Credit, David Ryan

Writing about why I haven’t been writing

March 23, 2010 · 1 Comment ·

Well the last week here in Skeeterville has been fun. I started a week ago Monday when I awoke at 4am to Mim vomiting IN HIS SLEEP. Clearly it had happened a few times and sleeps-like-a-rock mommy didn’t hear him. When I woke him to clean him up, first words out of his mouth? “Mom, Fish and I unlocked Carburetor Canyon On Mater Nationals.”

Um yeah buddy that’s great, but can mommy get the chunks of grilled cheese out of your hair please?

24 hours later, he was up and running, but I was down for the count with a Sinus headache and a clogged nose. When I’m sick, I can’t go above and beyond. I can really only handle the basics and even then, not that well. I thought this might be allergies, so I didn’t start Zicam soon enough. Thus, my mucus under pressure and the associated cold medicine haze lasted far longer than it should have.

Come Saturday, I was still pretty miserable, but it was a beautiful day, so I lazed on the sun porch while everyone else enjoyed the burst of spring. Fish and her dad went for a bike ride. When she came back, she complained of nausea. Despite her nick name, Fish does not drink much therefore, she is highly susceptible to dehydration. I gave her a Gatorade and told her to rest. Thankfully, she is old enough (and was awake enough) to make it to the bathroom when the Gatorade decided to make a return appearance. Oh thank you stomach bug for coming back to visit us once again and AGAIN via A-Man on Monday Morning during his bus ride to work!

Here is it Tuesday, and everyone is back on their feet. My head is only mildly clogged and I am left with the debris left over from a week of ignoring life.

There is much to write about, but little time and the cold medicine is impacting my ability to thread thoughts together.

There’s always tomorrow!

St. Patty’s Day Pinwheels

March 14, 2010 · 1 Comment ·

A pinwheel sugar cookie where a layer of green sugar cookie dough is placed on top of a layer of regular sugar cookie dough, then rolled and sliced. — Mmmmmm Cooooookies!

I made sugar cookies today. I found this recipe on Allrecipes.com around Christmastime and the title is true, they are THE best sugar cookies ever.

Today I tinted half the dough green in honor of St. Patty’s Day. Then, I layered the green dough on top of regular dough to make pinwheel cookies.

Erin Go Bragh!

Pierced Ears

March 9, 2010 · Leave a comment ·

I was around 12 when I got my ears pierced. My mom wasn’t ready for this grown up step, but I was fortunate to have an aunt and older cousin go to bat for me.

My daughter has a similar advocate in Auntie. I’m an only child, and while I have chosen close friends that my kids call Aunt, I have no biological siblings. My husband has a sister who lives nearby and since my daughter was 7 she’s be pushing to take Fish to get her ears pierced. Her Dad and I both said no. Fish needed to be responsible for mandatory personal hygiene (i.e. brushing her teeth and her hair) before she could take on any additional challenges.

She has mastered those responsibilties and more so we decided that the time had come. I emailed Auntie after Thanksgiving and let her know she could take Fish to get her ears peirced for Christmas. She was psyched.

We celebrated Christmas Eve at Aunties house. Here’s a revelation of the gift.

If the mall was open Christmas Day, Fish would have had her Aunt there. As it was, she had to wait TWO whole days.

Auntie came and got her and off they went. I wasn’t invited and despite pangs of emotion, I was ok with that. I really believe that kids need all kinds of influences in their lives. My Sister-in-law and I have different parenting philosophies, but she has always been respectful of my rules and I think her perspective makes me a better parent. Besides, she spoils my kids rotten (think ice cream for breakfast).

Not 20 minutes later, the phone rang. Auntie had been honest and said she was an Aunt, not a mom and the ear piercing place required parental permission. I’d sent a note saying I approved, but it wasn’t enough, my presence was required. SQUEE!

When I got to the mall, I offered to sign the form and leave, if that was what Fish wanted, but she was quick to say I could stay.

I have to say as happy as I was to bear witness to this rite of passage in my daughter’s life, there are just too many freaking lawyers in this world. I had to sign my name three times to carbonless form, filled to the margins with teeny tiny type (on both sides).

I would have really preferred this stay between Fish and Auntie, but I was glad to be there. Fish was awesome. She picked silver Daisies with a blue stone in the middle and despite a good case of nerves, she never screamed or cried. Auntie helped her stay relaxed by cracking jokes and snapping pictures. The tech was decent and in two flashes, the deed was done. She was so excited.

She’s done a great job keeping her lobes clean and we’ve even been able to change the earrings a few times. *sigh* She is growing up.

Live Fearless Lee

Or at least that's what I tell myself